


In My Solitude

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-05
Updated: 2004-05-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:59:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin copes with death. Takes place sometime in winter.





	In My Solitude

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin sat alone in the silence of an empty loft. The only sound was the rhythmic tick of a clock on the wall, and the sound irritated him to no end, because each click meant that he was another second closer to doing the thing that he was not prepared to do. He had asked everyone to give him some time on his own, and they had followed his instructions, but Justin found that he regretted that decision. He needed someone to be there with him so that he didn't feel so lonely. He needed someone to hold onto him so that he could stop feeling like he was about to fall into a bottomless pit. There was only one other time in his life where Justin had felt so terribly alone. That had been the day he had woken from his coma and had cried piteously because Brian wasn't there beside him. In some ways this was worse because there was a finality to it. Once again Justin wished that he had not requested the solitude, but it was too late to do anything about that. Justin would be alone until it was time to go to the funeral.

Justin looked down at the photographs and sketches spread out in front of him, remnants of a happier time when everything seemed safe and secure. That dream had cracked long ago, but now it had shattered into pieces. He was so far gone from that time, that it felt like his memories belonged to someone else, someone as dead as the man they were about to bury. Justin glanced at the blank notepad on the table. He was supposed to be preparing his remarks for the funeral, that was the purpose of his self-inflicted solitude, but he couldn't think of a single thing to say. What was there to say? How could he explain the love he still felt despite everything they had gone through? How could he explain the emptiness he felt in his heart? He felt like the tie around his neck was chocking him, and took great gulps of air, but he couldn't completely shake the feeling of being suffocated. It was the same feeling he had ever since he had received the phone call.

The doctors said that his death had been painless, a car crash, over almost before it had begun. A painless death, like that was supposed to be some sort of consolation. They said that he had been drinking heavily, Justin was saddened but not surprised to hear that. The roads had been icy that night and he was going too fast. It was over in an instant. Justin could picture it happening, had replayed the scene over and over in his mind. They said it had been painless, but Justin privately wondered if that was true. Did he realize that he had lost control of the car? Did he know that he was about to die? How did that feel? All Questions that would haunt Justin for a long time, questions that could never be answered. Justin even had a slight suspicion that it hadn't been an accident at all. The idea wasn't impossible. His life had been changing drastically, and Justin knew that the man hated to be anything less than in control of the situation. That was just one more thought nagging Justin. There were only questions, no answers, so Justin didn't know how he could possibly get up in front of everyone and say the things they needed to hear.

Living with Brian, Justin had tried to live his life with no regrets, but at that moment regret was all he felt. There were so many times he should have said he loved him, that he should have appreciated him. There were so many missed opportunities to just talk. It didn't matter what they could have talked about, anything. Just a few words would have been something, but instead there had been only silence and confusion. They had lived together, and yet they had never really known each other. They were like strangers in a hotel, sharing the same roof but nothing more. They lived in two separate worlds and came together only unwillingly and by accident. Justin was filled with regret for all the chances he had wasted, and now it was too late. There was nothing he could do to change the past, and there was nothing he could do to make things better in the future. The time to build something solid and meaningful had passed forever.

Michael had spent a lot of time with Justin after he had received the call. Justin had been surprised by that act of kindness. Their relationship wasn't as strained as it had once been, but they had never been close. Michael had decided that he should be the one to sit and talk with Justin because he was the one who would understand the best. Justin thought that Michael couldn't truly understand what he was feeling. The situation had been completely different for them. But Justin refrained from saying anything because he sincerely appreciated Michael's effort. For the first time, he understood why Brian had chosen Michael as his best friend. He was caring and thoughtful, and in times of crisis you couldn't find anyone more loyal.

The others were kind and sympathetic, but a bit puzzled by Justin's grief. They couldn't understand how Justin could mourn the death of someone who had treated him so badly, who had hurt him so many times. Justin couldn't explain it. He couldn't make them understand that despite everything he had gone through, and put up with, and all the times he had been hurt, he still loved the man. He couldn't explain that sometimes when you truly care for something nothing can change that. As he sat at the kitchen table and thought of the happy times, and there had been some, tears began to fall silently from Justin's eyes. He had cried an ocean already and still more came. He had tried to bring them together. Maybe he hadn't tried enough, but he had made an effort.

"Why couldn't you care?" he thought. "Why couldn't you try too?"

Justin felt a lump building in his throat. He knew he wouldn't be able to write anything now, it was almost time to go, so he stopped trying not to cry. He just laid his head on the table and let the sobs rack his body. It was both relief and torture. Michael had told him that eventually you find acceptance and move on with your life. Justin knew that he would live, but he didn't know if he could ever find acceptance. The sobs were subsiding when Justin heard the door to the loft open and shut. He didn't look up immediately, he still needed a moment to collect himself. He heard footsteps approach his chair, and felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Baby." Brian said gently. Justin stood and wrapped his arms around Brian's waist. Brian held his young lover tightly and rocked him slightly. In Brian's loving embrace Justin knew that he had found the only person who could hold off the darkness he felt closing in around him. Finally Brian pulled back slightly and wiped away Justin's tears. He leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn't a passionate or seductive kiss, just one to let Justin know that he wasn't alone.

"Are you ready?" asked Brian.

"I guess." said Justin softly.

Brian handed Justin his coat, and when it was on he took the young man by the hand. They exited the apartment and prepared to bury Craig Taylor.


End file.
